I put the questions to some friends of mine gathered for a barbeque today: how do we know what is proper social etiquette. Or maybe, the less boozhy way to put it is, how do we know how to behave around others?
I often feel this most acutely when having people over for a meal, when it comes time to eat. I have been running around - chopping, toasting, tasting, roasting - and all of a sudden it’s time to eat and everyone is milling about, chatting, drinking and (hopefully) enjoying themselves, just as guests should be. All of a sudden I run snack into the question of how to get people organizers to get good in bellies before it gets cold.
My tendency is to yell in the general direction of those in attendance, “dinner’s ready!” a direct, somewhat abrasive and often ineffective technique. People continue milling about, moving somewhat close to the feeding troughs, but rarely diving into the food with the enthusiasm I wish. I end up feeling impatient, awkward and impotent.
Something along these lines happened today and once we all had our food and we’re sitting down to eat, I decided to ask people about how they navigate such a situation. After temporarily making things more awkward by pointing out the awkwardness of my non hosting, one of the (two) guests offered up a couple of techniques his father would use in such situations: orchestration and demonstration.
He would orchestrate by telling everybody ahead of time what to expect When the time came to eat (okay everybody, food is on the table along with plates and silverware - come and get it). This serves the purpose of seeing expectations and letting everyone know what they should be doing when the food comes. To illustrate demonstration, David (the guest) told how his dad would make a show of demonstrating what to do with the cheese plate that was a staple part of their dessert table. “And now I shall demonstrate how to use the cheese plate.”
I find these to be useful (if mundane) examples of mitigating the natural discomfort of bringing together people with their own ideas of what it is to eat or even just be together. We all go about with shifting ideas about how to behave with others and having ways to align what we believe to be appropriate is super useful sand something I never really learned how to do.